Looking at my photos from twenty and thirty years ago, I’m feeling so very thankful that I’m no longer starving to stay thin from my modeling days or on the opposite end of the spectrum, stuffing my emotions and assuaging my emptiness with binge eating. Both extremes have taken their toll on my mind, body, and soul.
The awareness of not measuring up, due to being heavier than the skinny girls, began in third grade when I realized that I did not have the same skinny, little stick legs they had. To make matters worse, my ballet instructor would announce, in front of the class:
“We have to find a large size twelve for you for our recital!”
“The pink ones won’t fit, you will have to be the only one in a red one.”
I still remember that moment of all eyes staring at me and feeling like I wanted to run, but instead froze with that hot, overwhelming feeling of false shame. This was the beginning of a series of shaming events that defined my tender, young, sense of self-esteem and worth.
The more I talk with other women, the more I realize that all of us have very similar stories. The development of our self-esteem and how we view ourselves is so tightly woven together with weight and appearance in our culture. It’s no wonder, that the majority of women I’ve talked to, do not like their bodies and are so hard on themselves and tend to have a complicated relationship with food.
It wasn’t until I literally grew so sick and tired of being sick and tired after my divorce, house loss, and a slow spiral into depression, that I made a pivotal mindset decision to make a change. I finally embraced the truth that I was formed by a loving God who loved me for me. Period. My value isn’t based on appearance, performance, or weight! I finally understood Psalm 139:13-16. We are all fearfully and wonderfully made, the problem is, we fail to believe it!
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.
Once I truly embraced this beautiful awareness, I began to see food not only as tasting great but as a healing agent for my weary mind, body, and soul. Certain foods truly do heal: mood, diseases, energy levels, hormonal imbalances and sluggish metabolism.
All of us can be on a journey toward wholeness. It all starts with a choice to make a mindset change. I’d love to hear about your journeys and the obstacles you have had to overcome to become whole. You may be in the process toward “getting there.” This is a great place to be. If you feel led the share your story, please let me know! I’d love to post inspiring stories for women who are on their way and need the motivation only your personal story can provide.
I’ll end my story of finding my way toward a lifestyle of love and acceptance of self with one of my favorite quotes from Maya Angelou:
You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, and how you can still come out of it.